thoughts

this hasn't been edited at all, it's just straight pen-to-paper thoughts (correction: fingers-to-screen) based on a conversation I recently had with a friend.


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Why was I created? I was created because Hashem gave me the opportunity to be happy. I am an entity existing solely because Hashem gave me life so I can be happy.

Everything that happens to me in my life was set up so that I can be happy. Hashem set up my life that I should experience the pain of not being married yet, because somehow that will allow me to be neheneh miziv hashechina.

Hashem, You created this world just for me. You created this world so that I can, at the end of days, be neheneh miziv haShechina. You created the entire sequence of my life and everything in it in order to enable me to bask in the holiness and yechidus of Your Glory.

Hashem, you only created me so that I can be happy. You created me only so that, at the end of days, I can be rejoice in the ultimate joy. I exist solely because you chose to give me that ultimate joy.

Hashem, back when I was only a soul, back in the time when I understood so much more, You showed me the life you were going to give me. You laid it out clearly before me and I understood how every detail of my life would bring me closer to that final happiness.

Back then, it was all so clear. You told me life would be hard, but You'd walk through it with me. You'd be holding me, guiding me, leading me through every difficult turn. You showed me the pain I would experience as I watched my friends build their own homes while I remained single. You allowed me to glimpse the gut-wrenching loneliness that would accompany stages of my life. You showed me the devastating pain of watching siblings disintegrate in front of my eyes. You showed me the utter agony I'd have to endure as I struggled to feel seering pain, pain so deep that I almost couldn't bear to face.

And when you showed it to me, I understood. I saw the pain for what it was, I understood that the situation would help me grow. You showed me what would be, and I chose to accept it. I agreed to that life course because then, with the clarity and perspective belonging to a soul unrestrained by human trivialities, I understood this to be best.

Now, I'm a soldier hacking my way through the jungle, unable to see past the dense foilage. Path is unclear and the going rough. I see not my destination nor my Commander. Alone amidst the animals of the wild, lost amongst the sharp jungle vines, I can't see You watching me. I can't see You holding my hand or guiding me through.

Alone I walk, but I know where I came from. I may not remember it now, may not understand it at all, but I know that at one time I knew and saw beyond the trees. I'm a soldier on a mission, a difficult mission, and my Commander watching out for me. I know that when I began the journey He was with me. Every step of the journey, every agonizing move, has been custom planned for me, to build me, to strengthen me.

And high above the dense jungle walls, my Commander stands guard. His constant vigil ensures that I take every painful step, for it will build me. He knows, He sees, what awaits me at the end. He understands, with the clarity of possessed by no one but Him that this is what I ultimately want. He knows what all this pain is for. He knows that there will be a day when I'll look back at today and know that every moment of agony was gold.